1 00:00:03,635 --> 00:00:08,072 Who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler 2 00:00:08,355 --> 00:00:12,268 If you thInk we're on the run? 3 00:00:13,315 --> 00:00:17,752 We are the boys who wIll stop your lIttle game 4 00:00:18,315 --> 00:00:22,991 We are the boys who wIll make you thInk agaIn 5 00:00:23,075 --> 00:00:27,432 'Cause who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler 6 00:00:27,915 --> 00:00:32,067 If you thInk old England's done? 7 00:00:32,755 --> 00:00:37,112 Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8..2 1 8 00:00:37,555 --> 00:00:42,151 But he comes home each evenIng and he's ready wIth hIs gun 9 00:00:42,395 --> 00:00:47,105 So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler 10 00:00:47,355 --> 00:00:51,507 If you thInk old England's done? 11 00:00:53,995 --> 00:00:56,509 MAINWARING: Left, right, left, right, left, right! 12 00:00:56,595 --> 00:00:57,789 (MEN GROANING) 13 00:00:57,875 --> 00:01:00,105 Come on now. Keep it up. Come along. Forward. 14 00:01:00,195 --> 00:01:03,426 Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, 15 00:01:03,515 --> 00:01:05,824 up, up, up, up, up, up, up! 16 00:01:05,915 --> 00:01:07,792 Come on now, keep it up. 17 00:01:07,875 --> 00:01:12,107 Left, right, left, right, left, right, right. Get 'em up, Godfrey! 18 00:01:14,395 --> 00:01:17,387 Halt! Right, stand straight. 19 00:01:17,915 --> 00:01:19,633 Keep still, Jones. 20 00:01:19,715 --> 00:01:23,424 The spirit is willing, sir, but I think me body's slung it in. 21 00:01:24,555 --> 00:01:26,273 Stand at ease! 22 00:01:26,675 --> 00:01:30,031 Now, before we fall down... Before we fall out... 23 00:01:31,755 --> 00:01:34,269 one or two things I want to say to you. 24 00:01:34,355 --> 00:01:35,424 (PANTING) 25 00:01:35,515 --> 00:01:37,824 Don't you think you ought to sit down for a bit, Mr Mainwaring? 26 00:01:37,915 --> 00:01:41,908 No, no, no. No, I'll be quite all right. Just... 27 00:01:42,395 --> 00:01:44,431 Just go and get my notes. 28 00:01:44,795 --> 00:01:47,593 Can the men have a breather while you're getting 'em, sir? 29 00:01:47,675 --> 00:01:50,712 Oh, very well, if you think they need it. 30 00:01:52,235 --> 00:01:53,714 Oh, dear me. 31 00:01:53,795 --> 00:01:56,548 Oh, good Lord! Are you all right, sir? 32 00:01:58,675 --> 00:02:01,189 -Oh, perfectly all right, thank you. -Good, good. 33 00:02:01,275 --> 00:02:04,073 My goodness. Those men are out of condition. 34 00:02:04,155 --> 00:02:05,747 Are they really? 35 00:02:08,435 --> 00:02:09,584 Oh! 36 00:02:11,075 --> 00:02:13,828 You'll have to take them on a series of cross-country runs. 37 00:02:13,915 --> 00:02:15,473 Oh, yes. I shall enjoy that. 38 00:02:17,075 --> 00:02:18,713 What's that in your hand? 39 00:02:18,795 --> 00:02:21,867 What, this? A little magazine. It's called the Hot Spur. 40 00:02:22,395 --> 00:02:24,625 -The Hot Spur? -The Hot Spur, yes. 41 00:02:24,755 --> 00:02:26,586 I left you behind to look after the telephone. 42 00:02:26,675 --> 00:02:29,712 If you wanted to pass the time, there are plenty of training pamphlets about 43 00:02:29,795 --> 00:02:32,025 without resorting to children's magazines and penny dreadfuls. 44 00:02:32,115 --> 00:02:35,744 I was reading this, it's in young Frank's handwriting. 45 00:02:35,835 --> 00:02:37,154 Give it to me. 46 00:02:37,235 --> 00:02:41,592 It's a sort of article about the Home Guard. I found it rather amusing. 47 00:02:41,755 --> 00:02:44,030 -Rather amusing? -Yes, amusing. 48 00:02:44,955 --> 00:02:46,991 -I think it's disgraceful. -What? 49 00:02:47,075 --> 00:02:48,872 Now, look here, 50 00:02:48,955 --> 00:02:51,753 I've got to nip this sort of thing in the bud. Right away. 51 00:02:51,835 --> 00:02:54,110 -Get the men on parade. -All right, sir. 52 00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:56,233 -Ooh! -WILSON: Right... 53 00:02:57,115 --> 00:03:00,551 Quick as you can. Three ranks. Come on. 54 00:03:00,635 --> 00:03:03,672 Fall in! Three ranks like the sergeant says. Come along now. 55 00:03:03,755 --> 00:03:08,829 Fall in in three ranks like the sergeant says. Come on now, three ranks like the sergeant said. 56 00:03:08,955 --> 00:03:12,550 Right, sir. We've fallen in in three ranks like the sergeant said, sir. 57 00:03:14,315 --> 00:03:15,873 -Thank you, Jones. -Sir. 58 00:03:15,955 --> 00:03:17,673 Squad, 'shun! 59 00:03:19,275 --> 00:03:21,550 Stand at ease. Hurry up, Jones. 60 00:03:21,635 --> 00:03:22,909 (JONES STAMPS) 61 00:03:22,995 --> 00:03:24,394 That's better. 62 00:03:26,355 --> 00:03:27,754 -Private Pike? -Sir? 63 00:03:27,835 --> 00:03:29,427 What is this? 64 00:03:29,515 --> 00:03:32,666 -Where'd you get hold of that? -Never mind where I got it. What is it? 65 00:03:32,755 --> 00:03:37,033 Well, it's an article I'm writing for a competition. How did you get hold of it? 66 00:03:37,115 --> 00:03:39,231 You left it in your Hot Spur, Frank. 67 00:03:39,315 --> 00:03:42,944 You've no right to touch my Hot Spur. I haven't read it yet. 68 00:03:43,035 --> 00:03:47,153 Permission to speak, sir. I'm supposed to have Pikey's Hot Spur before Sergeant Wilson. 69 00:03:47,235 --> 00:03:49,191 All right, Jonesy, I only glanced at it. 70 00:03:49,275 --> 00:03:51,425 I always have Pikey's Hot Spur after him. 71 00:03:51,515 --> 00:03:53,983 -PIKE: I said he could have... -Be quiet, all of you. 72 00:03:55,395 --> 00:03:58,193 Now, I want Sergeant Wilson to read it... 73 00:03:59,595 --> 00:04:00,823 aloud. 74 00:04:00,955 --> 00:04:04,630 -What, the Hot Spur? -No, no, no, no, the article. Read it aloud. 75 00:04:04,835 --> 00:04:06,427 It's not fair. It's private. 76 00:04:06,515 --> 00:04:08,346 Silence in the ranks. Carry on, Wilson. 77 00:04:08,435 --> 00:04:10,949 Right, sir. ''My name is... 78 00:04:11,955 --> 00:04:15,948 ''My name is Frank Pike. I'm a private in the Home Gard.'' 79 00:04:16,635 --> 00:04:18,626 That should be G-U-A-R-D, Frank. 80 00:04:18,715 --> 00:04:21,309 -Never mind the spelling. Just read it out. -All right, sir. Well... 81 00:04:21,395 --> 00:04:25,070 ''Me and the lads will soon spot any parachutists who land in our district, 82 00:04:25,155 --> 00:04:27,385 ''especially if he lands in a pub. 83 00:04:28,555 --> 00:04:30,910 ''The other night we started at The Dog And Partridge 84 00:04:30,995 --> 00:04:35,432 ''and we made sure there were no parachutists in 1 1 pubs in two hours. 85 00:04:36,395 --> 00:04:38,226 ''By that time, we were all... 86 00:04:38,315 --> 00:04:40,351 ''all soozled.'' 87 00:04:40,435 --> 00:04:41,834 Sozzled. 88 00:04:41,915 --> 00:04:44,713 -Quiet, Frank. -''The sergeant is my uncle. 89 00:04:45,635 --> 00:04:48,388 -''I can do what I like with him.'' -Disgraceful. 90 00:04:48,475 --> 00:04:52,263 -''The officer's a bit of an old...'' -Yes, all right. We've heard enough. 91 00:04:53,875 --> 00:04:58,107 Now, Pike, I'm not going to go into your shameful conduct in writing this. 92 00:04:58,195 --> 00:05:01,790 You've let the side down and I expect you're feeling pretty rotten about it. 93 00:05:03,355 --> 00:05:05,869 What concerns me is the subject. 94 00:05:07,035 --> 00:05:11,267 Stories like this about the Home Guard are what we're getting from the comedians on the wireless. 95 00:05:16,555 --> 00:05:18,386 And it's quite untrue. 96 00:05:18,835 --> 00:05:22,430 My unit is a hand-picked band 97 00:05:22,795 --> 00:05:24,467 of ruthless fighting men. 98 00:05:27,115 --> 00:05:32,143 And since I've been in command here, I've done my best to set an example in sobriety 99 00:05:32,515 --> 00:05:34,346 and devotion to duty. 100 00:05:34,435 --> 00:05:38,110 I don't want to hear any more stories about sponges, drunkards or four-ale bars. 101 00:05:38,195 --> 00:05:42,586 No need for you to be downcast or trodden by what young Pikey has written. 102 00:05:42,675 --> 00:05:46,190 Since days of yore, soldiers and drink have always gone together. 103 00:05:46,275 --> 00:05:48,106 Like chalk and cheese. 104 00:05:49,715 --> 00:05:52,354 I don't see why my men should be swilling about in beer. 105 00:05:52,435 --> 00:05:54,869 Well, when we was in the Sudan we used to drink arrack. 106 00:05:54,955 --> 00:05:59,107 Yes, drink half a pint of that, you didn't know whether you were coming or going. 107 00:05:59,195 --> 00:06:02,631 Mind you, we didn't do a lot of coming or going so it didn't seem to matter very much. 108 00:06:02,715 --> 00:06:03,989 All right. All right. 109 00:06:04,795 --> 00:06:09,710 Now, I want to make it quite clear that never again do I want to hear any stories 110 00:06:10,515 --> 00:06:12,392 about men under my command drinking. 111 00:06:12,955 --> 00:06:14,786 Understood? Right. 112 00:06:15,315 --> 00:06:18,591 Now, the Home Guard officers of the district 113 00:06:18,835 --> 00:06:22,145 are throwing a sherry party for local civil dignitaries 114 00:06:22,395 --> 00:06:25,865 and the officers of surrounding units. 115 00:06:26,395 --> 00:06:28,431 Now, I've offered to be the host and... 116 00:06:28,515 --> 00:06:29,948 (SNEEZING) 117 00:06:33,435 --> 00:06:34,948 I've offered to be the host. 118 00:06:36,595 --> 00:06:38,790 That offer has been accepted. 119 00:06:39,395 --> 00:06:43,183 We shall be using this hall and you, Corporal Jones, 120 00:06:43,675 --> 00:06:47,224 your section will volunteer to provide stewards etcetera. 121 00:06:47,315 --> 00:06:50,432 So if you'll just bring your section into the office, we'll sort that out. 122 00:06:50,515 --> 00:06:52,551 Right, come on, my section. 123 00:06:52,755 --> 00:06:54,711 -Private Sponge. -Sir. 124 00:06:54,835 --> 00:06:57,907 Your men will patrol from the gas works to the Novelty Rock Emporium. 125 00:06:57,995 --> 00:06:59,064 Sir. 126 00:07:00,035 --> 00:07:01,354 And no drinking, mind. 127 00:07:01,435 --> 00:07:04,233 -Not a drop will touch our lips, sir. -Right. Move. 128 00:07:04,315 --> 00:07:06,545 We'll get a couple of straws. Come on. 129 00:07:07,915 --> 00:07:10,110 Now, are we all here? 130 00:07:10,195 --> 00:07:14,234 All except Frazer, I think, sir. He's interviewing a client in Eastbourne. 131 00:07:14,315 --> 00:07:15,907 -Yes, Mr Croxton. -Yes. 132 00:07:15,995 --> 00:07:17,553 -Croxton? -Yes. 133 00:07:18,075 --> 00:07:23,308 Oh, well, he's likely to be delayed for some time. Old Croxton's a bit of a chatterbox. 134 00:07:23,395 --> 00:07:26,944 He's not likely to chatter much in the box Frazer's going to put him in. 135 00:07:27,595 --> 00:07:30,712 That joke's in rather bad taste, Jones. 136 00:07:30,795 --> 00:07:32,069 (CLEARING THROAT) 137 00:07:32,155 --> 00:07:34,623 -Put Frazer down for steward, will you? -All right, sir. 138 00:07:34,715 --> 00:07:36,353 -He can serve the drinks. -Right. 139 00:07:36,435 --> 00:07:38,391 -Jones, you better be on the door. -Yes, sir. 140 00:07:38,475 --> 00:07:41,308 I shall be on the door and when the people come in, 141 00:07:41,395 --> 00:07:44,990 I shall ask them their names, and tell them who they are. 142 00:07:47,075 --> 00:07:50,704 I shall be in charge of the cloakroom, coats and things. 143 00:07:51,035 --> 00:07:53,105 That's a very good idea, Godfrey. 144 00:07:53,195 --> 00:07:54,913 Can I help serve the drinks? 145 00:07:54,995 --> 00:07:57,145 You're much too young to be handling alcohol. 146 00:07:57,235 --> 00:07:59,430 -What would you like me to do, sir? -Oh... 147 00:08:00,075 --> 00:08:02,305 Well, just try to look pleasant. 148 00:08:02,395 --> 00:08:06,354 I think Sergeant Wilson ought to play some light music on the piano. That's pleasant. 149 00:08:06,435 --> 00:08:09,472 No, no, no. Really, Jonesy. No, no, I'm really not good enough. 150 00:08:09,555 --> 00:08:12,786 I think Sergeant Wilson's playing would add a little tone to the occasion. 151 00:08:12,875 --> 00:08:15,230 -Oh, very well. You can play the piano, Wilson. -Right, sir. 152 00:08:15,315 --> 00:08:16,873 But not very loudly. 153 00:08:16,955 --> 00:08:20,345 Here. What's all this I hear about you wanting the hall on Wednesday? 154 00:08:20,435 --> 00:08:22,232 It's my night and I need it for training. 155 00:08:22,315 --> 00:08:24,875 I need it for a very important military purpose. 156 00:08:24,955 --> 00:08:27,469 Important military purpose? You're just having a booze-up. 157 00:08:27,555 --> 00:08:28,908 It is not a booze-up. 158 00:08:28,995 --> 00:08:31,828 Well, it's my night for it and I'm going to exercise my prerogative. 159 00:08:31,915 --> 00:08:35,624 -I'm afraid it is his night, Mr Mainwaring. -He's within his rights and that's a fact. 160 00:08:35,715 --> 00:08:37,831 Yes, thank you, Mr Yeatman. I'll deal with this. 161 00:08:37,915 --> 00:08:39,394 Look, Vicar, I must have it. 162 00:08:39,475 --> 00:08:43,866 This is a very important liaison meeting between army officers and local civic dignitaries. 163 00:08:43,955 --> 00:08:46,708 Local civic dignitaries? Well, I haven't been invited. 164 00:08:46,835 --> 00:08:49,588 I'm not just a nobody, you know. I'm a bigwig round here. 165 00:08:49,675 --> 00:08:54,351 Well, I'm sure you had every intention of inviting Mr Hodges, didn't you, Mr Mainwaring? 166 00:08:54,955 --> 00:08:56,627 Well, I suppose... 167 00:08:57,475 --> 00:08:58,703 Yes, of course. 168 00:08:58,795 --> 00:09:02,470 -Oh, good. I like a party. Any women? -No, there aren't any. 169 00:09:03,515 --> 00:09:07,349 Never mind, we'll have a few jars and a bit of a knees-up, eh? 170 00:09:07,435 --> 00:09:08,948 Bit of a knees-up? 171 00:09:09,555 --> 00:09:11,546 This is a dignified social occasion. 172 00:09:11,635 --> 00:09:14,513 Yes, with musical cocktails and cucumber sandwiches. 173 00:09:15,475 --> 00:09:18,228 Cucumber sandwiches? They make you belch, don't they? 174 00:09:18,315 --> 00:09:20,954 Oh, well, thanks for the invite, you can have the hall. 175 00:09:21,035 --> 00:09:25,153 Well, thank goodness that's settled, then. Now, I hope you have a good evening. 176 00:09:25,275 --> 00:09:28,153 -His Reverence hasn't had an invite yet. -Ah. 177 00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:29,588 (CLEARING THROAT) 178 00:09:29,675 --> 00:09:31,472 You would be very welcome, of course, Vicar. 179 00:09:31,555 --> 00:09:33,864 Oh, thank you, Mr Mainwaring. I shall look forward to it. 180 00:09:33,955 --> 00:09:35,627 You're not coming. 181 00:09:39,595 --> 00:09:41,711 Right, well, that's settled. 182 00:09:41,795 --> 00:09:44,787 Corporal Jones, take your section and resume normal training. 183 00:09:44,875 --> 00:09:48,709 Right, sir. My section, normal training, resume in the hall. Go! 184 00:09:50,035 --> 00:09:54,631 Oh, sir, my sister Dolly makes very nice cucumber sandwiches. 185 00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:59,027 Very dainty and moist. Shall I ask her to do some? 186 00:09:59,555 --> 00:10:02,228 -Thank you, Godfrey. -She will be pleased. 187 00:10:04,635 --> 00:10:06,068 -Fine man, that. -Oh, yes. 188 00:10:06,155 --> 00:10:08,032 -They all are. -Yes. 189 00:10:08,115 --> 00:10:11,232 I don't know anybody I'd rather have at my side when the balloon goes up. 190 00:10:11,315 --> 00:10:14,705 Yes. Don't you think you were just a tiny bit harsh to them, you know, 191 00:10:14,795 --> 00:10:16,786 about the beer and the pubs and so forth? 192 00:10:16,875 --> 00:10:19,514 No, I don't think so. 193 00:10:20,515 --> 00:10:23,632 Just happens to be something that I feel very strongly about. 194 00:10:24,475 --> 00:10:26,625 -The way I was brought up, I suppose. -Yes. 195 00:10:27,275 --> 00:10:30,073 My father was a member of the Master Tailors Guild, you know. 196 00:10:30,155 --> 00:10:31,508 -Was he? -Hmm. 197 00:10:33,835 --> 00:10:36,190 They don't drink while they're sewing, I suppose. 198 00:10:37,115 --> 00:10:38,230 No... 199 00:10:41,275 --> 00:10:43,266 Of course they don't. No. 200 00:10:43,355 --> 00:10:47,746 He'd have the odd sherry on festive occasions, you know, join in the fun. 201 00:10:47,835 --> 00:10:52,147 But all my family were the same. They all knew when to stop. 202 00:11:24,555 --> 00:11:25,704 Ah. 203 00:11:26,475 --> 00:11:27,954 That's better. 204 00:11:31,915 --> 00:11:33,633 CONDUCTOR: Eastbourne. 205 00:11:33,715 --> 00:11:35,114 Eastbourne! 206 00:12:02,115 --> 00:12:03,594 Been to a funeral, then? 207 00:12:05,835 --> 00:12:08,474 I happen to be an undertaker. 208 00:12:09,435 --> 00:12:11,869 You have the right sort of mush for it and all. 209 00:12:13,195 --> 00:12:16,983 And I've got the right sort of fist to flatten that ripe nose of yours. 210 00:12:17,075 --> 00:12:20,192 Oh, no, no, no. Don't be like that. 211 00:12:20,475 --> 00:12:23,035 Here, have a drink. 212 00:12:23,355 --> 00:12:28,509 No. I never touch it when I'm going on a professional call. 213 00:12:29,595 --> 00:12:31,904 Pity. Real Scotch. 214 00:12:31,995 --> 00:12:33,986 (LAUGHING) Aye, to tell you the truth, 215 00:12:34,075 --> 00:12:37,465 I'm coming back from a professional call so I'll accept it. 216 00:12:45,115 --> 00:12:46,594 Don't mind me. 217 00:12:47,555 --> 00:12:49,432 I say what I think, you know. 218 00:12:50,835 --> 00:12:53,395 Tell the truth and shame the devil, that's me. 219 00:12:53,475 --> 00:12:57,388 Anyway, in your job you need a sour, miserable-looking face, don't you? 220 00:12:57,475 --> 00:12:59,705 We do indeed. Aye, we do. 221 00:13:00,435 --> 00:13:03,950 I mean, you look like an undertaker. 222 00:13:04,395 --> 00:13:05,669 (LAUGHING) 223 00:13:06,555 --> 00:13:08,785 Now, I need a happy face in my profession. 224 00:13:10,195 --> 00:13:11,753 I'm a traveller. 225 00:13:12,635 --> 00:13:15,069 And I'm not travelling in Scotch either. 226 00:13:18,155 --> 00:13:21,670 -Guess what I'm travelling in? -Oh, man, I have no idea. 227 00:13:21,755 --> 00:13:22,824 Oh? 228 00:13:23,515 --> 00:13:25,312 -Put it there. -How do you do? 229 00:13:25,395 --> 00:13:26,828 (BUZZING) 230 00:13:31,315 --> 00:13:33,112 You've got it. Jokes. 231 00:13:33,915 --> 00:13:35,348 Carnival novelties. 232 00:13:35,475 --> 00:13:36,624 (LAUGHING) 233 00:13:37,195 --> 00:13:39,106 Here, smell this. Smell this. 234 00:13:40,635 --> 00:13:42,227 (EXCLAIMING) 235 00:13:44,195 --> 00:13:45,423 Oh, dear. 236 00:13:45,515 --> 00:13:48,188 Mainwaring is the name. Barry Mainwaring. 237 00:13:48,275 --> 00:13:49,674 Mainwaring? 238 00:13:51,315 --> 00:13:54,352 Could it be that your father was a master tailor in Eastbourne? 239 00:13:54,875 --> 00:13:56,354 Master tailor? 240 00:13:59,315 --> 00:14:00,987 I say, that's good. 241 00:14:02,395 --> 00:14:06,547 He had a little drapery shop in East Street with workmen's clothes hanging up outside. 242 00:14:06,635 --> 00:14:08,307 Is that a fact? 243 00:14:08,395 --> 00:14:13,105 Then...could you be in any way related to 244 00:14:13,515 --> 00:14:16,427 George Mainwaring, the bank manager? 245 00:14:16,595 --> 00:14:18,233 Old Po-Face? 246 00:14:19,275 --> 00:14:20,674 I'm his brother. 247 00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:24,106 You don't say. 248 00:14:24,755 --> 00:14:26,825 I'm on me way to see him now. 249 00:14:26,915 --> 00:14:29,509 I haven't worked the South Coast in about 1 5 years. 250 00:14:29,595 --> 00:14:31,950 All my work's been up in the North, you know. 251 00:14:32,035 --> 00:14:35,948 So I thought I'd just drop by, surprise him. 252 00:14:37,475 --> 00:14:39,272 He'll be pleased to see you, no doubt. 253 00:14:40,235 --> 00:14:42,032 I very much doubt it. 254 00:14:42,755 --> 00:14:44,950 Especially when he knows what I've come for. 255 00:14:45,035 --> 00:14:46,388 Is that... 256 00:14:46,595 --> 00:14:49,792 Fancy, now, I've no wish to... 257 00:14:49,875 --> 00:14:52,912 poke my nose into your private affairs but... 258 00:14:54,115 --> 00:14:55,514 why's that? 259 00:14:57,955 --> 00:15:00,867 I'll tell you... Just a minute. 260 00:15:12,755 --> 00:15:15,474 When my father died... I'd looked after him, you see, 261 00:15:15,555 --> 00:15:17,910 right up to the very end. 262 00:15:17,995 --> 00:15:21,829 He hadn't much to leave, you know, 'cause he'd always liked a few on the quiet. 263 00:15:22,675 --> 00:15:25,667 But I'd always admired... 264 00:15:27,555 --> 00:15:30,308 a golden half-hunter watch he had. 265 00:15:30,395 --> 00:15:32,590 He used to wear it on the end of a chain across his waistcoat. 266 00:15:32,675 --> 00:15:37,066 You know, the old bow front, you remember how they used to do it. You know the sort of thing. 267 00:15:38,235 --> 00:15:40,703 Anyway, when he popped off... 268 00:15:41,715 --> 00:15:43,910 old Po-Face comes up and he says, 269 00:15:43,995 --> 00:15:46,987 ''Hey, I'm having that watch,'' he said. 270 00:15:49,355 --> 00:15:54,349 Well, the old man kicking the bucket like that, I was a bit upset, you know, 271 00:15:54,435 --> 00:15:58,269 and, well, I'd had a few, I don't mind admitting I'd had a few. 272 00:15:59,195 --> 00:16:03,427 Before I knew what was happening, before it had dawned on me what was going on, 273 00:16:04,475 --> 00:16:06,511 old Po-Face had nicked it. 274 00:16:07,835 --> 00:16:09,473 -Never! -Oh, yes. 275 00:16:10,195 --> 00:16:12,345 As sure as I'm standing on this station. 276 00:16:15,155 --> 00:16:16,224 So... 277 00:16:17,515 --> 00:16:21,303 I've taken a room at the Red Lion and I'm going down to see him. 278 00:16:21,395 --> 00:16:25,183 Hold on. I'll be seeing him as soon as the train stops. 279 00:16:26,315 --> 00:16:28,670 I'll tell him you're coming. 280 00:16:28,795 --> 00:16:30,911 Will you? Will you do that? 281 00:16:31,075 --> 00:16:34,988 Of course! It'll be my pleasure. 282 00:16:36,395 --> 00:16:37,589 Thank you. 283 00:16:39,275 --> 00:16:45,623 You should've seen Mainwaring's face when I told him I'd met his brother...drunk. 284 00:16:45,955 --> 00:16:48,389 Must've been a terrible shock to him. 285 00:16:48,475 --> 00:16:53,788 Maybe aye, maybe no. I've always said there was bad blood in that family and I was right. 286 00:16:56,115 --> 00:16:58,583 They're boozers, the lot of them, boozers. 287 00:17:00,275 --> 00:17:02,914 My sister Dolly won't have drink in the house, 288 00:17:02,995 --> 00:17:05,714 except the parsnip wine she makes herself. 289 00:17:06,155 --> 00:17:09,067 I tried it once, I fell over. 290 00:17:12,755 --> 00:17:17,431 I remember the last time my Uncle Arthur had one over the eight, Mum got ever so angry with him. 291 00:17:18,555 --> 00:17:21,945 He chased her round the house, trying to tickle her and make her laugh. 292 00:17:22,835 --> 00:17:25,827 So she gave him a black eye and locked him in the coal shed. 293 00:17:26,395 --> 00:17:27,748 That stopped him. 294 00:17:27,835 --> 00:17:29,507 And you know something else? 295 00:17:31,155 --> 00:17:35,148 Mainwaring's father was no more a master tailor than I am. 296 00:17:35,235 --> 00:17:37,703 He was a draper, 297 00:17:37,795 --> 00:17:39,945 a common wee draper. 298 00:17:40,955 --> 00:17:43,753 Ain't nothing wrong in being from humble stock. 299 00:17:43,835 --> 00:17:47,384 I come from humble stock and my father was a humble butcher, 300 00:17:47,475 --> 00:17:51,866 and he didn't have a sign above saying, ''High-class butcher, families waited on daily.'' 301 00:17:52,995 --> 00:17:56,954 He couldn't afford to wait on families daily cause he hadn't got a fridge. 302 00:17:57,035 --> 00:18:00,550 As soon as the stuff come in he had to bung it out quick before it went off. 303 00:18:01,315 --> 00:18:05,433 And he couldn't afford proper sawdust, he had to have second-hand stuff. 304 00:18:05,515 --> 00:18:09,588 All mingy old sawdust with old shavings and bits of tin tacks and that. 305 00:18:10,195 --> 00:18:13,631 Anyway, he was a God-fearing man. He had quite a nice time. 306 00:18:15,635 --> 00:18:17,626 And I'll tell you something else. 307 00:18:17,715 --> 00:18:19,467 According to his brother, 308 00:18:19,555 --> 00:18:23,389 our Captain Mainwaring is no more than... 309 00:18:24,315 --> 00:18:25,589 a thief. 310 00:18:25,675 --> 00:18:28,792 Oh, I'm sorry, Mr Frazer, I really can't believe that. 311 00:18:28,875 --> 00:18:31,469 Maybe aye, maybe no. All the same... 312 00:18:31,555 --> 00:18:34,865 I'd give a whole pound to be there when they meet. 313 00:18:35,635 --> 00:18:38,547 He really does sound quite a character. 314 00:18:38,635 --> 00:18:40,591 Oh, he's a character, all right. 315 00:18:40,675 --> 00:18:43,872 And the sooner he's out of Walmington-On-Sea, the happier I'll be. 316 00:18:44,075 --> 00:18:46,589 -It's not that I'm ashamed of him. -Oh, no. 317 00:18:46,675 --> 00:18:50,429 I mean, we both had the same upbringing, but he isn't... 318 00:18:51,035 --> 00:18:54,107 -He's just let his talents go to waste. -Hmm. 319 00:18:54,715 --> 00:18:56,512 While you got on, so to speak. 320 00:18:58,515 --> 00:19:00,073 -Wilson? -Yes. 321 00:19:00,155 --> 00:19:04,194 -I want you, if you can, to picture two boys. -Yes. 322 00:19:05,075 --> 00:19:08,192 One, popular, good at games, hail-fellow-well-met. 323 00:19:08,675 --> 00:19:11,030 The other shy, lonely. 324 00:19:12,195 --> 00:19:15,949 -Standing in the corner of the playground. Alone. -Yes. 325 00:19:18,155 --> 00:19:19,429 That one was me. 326 00:19:20,195 --> 00:19:24,552 I see, yes. The hail-fellow-well-met? 327 00:19:24,635 --> 00:19:27,707 -No, no, no, the one alone in the playground. -Ah. 328 00:19:29,355 --> 00:19:33,507 Later, of course, he was surrounded by girls, the laughing crowd, you know. 329 00:19:34,675 --> 00:19:37,109 -While I was just left with my books. -Yes. 330 00:19:37,675 --> 00:19:43,705 But while he was busy getting sozzled, I was getting a clear brain and a sharp eye. 331 00:19:44,835 --> 00:19:47,395 You know I used to take a cold bath every morning, Wilson? 332 00:19:47,475 --> 00:19:49,147 Did you really? 333 00:19:50,315 --> 00:19:53,864 -I expect that would've cleared the brain. -Oh, yes, it did. 334 00:19:55,195 --> 00:20:00,349 Yes, and that way of life was fitting me for what I've become today. 335 00:20:01,035 --> 00:20:03,151 Respected, trustworthy. 336 00:20:04,275 --> 00:20:08,951 Able, unashamedly, to look the whole world full in the face. 337 00:20:09,035 --> 00:20:10,309 Quite. Excuse me, sir. 338 00:20:10,395 --> 00:20:11,544 (PHONE RINGING) 339 00:20:11,635 --> 00:20:13,785 Hello. Yes. Yes. 340 00:20:15,875 --> 00:20:18,947 -I think it's your brother, sir. -Tell him I'm busy. 341 00:20:19,035 --> 00:20:21,185 Can I help you at all? What? 342 00:20:22,515 --> 00:20:26,190 He says he wants to speak to somebody called Po-Face. 343 00:20:29,075 --> 00:20:30,588 No, no, no. No. 344 00:20:31,195 --> 00:20:33,311 He says if you're not here, 345 00:20:33,395 --> 00:20:36,671 he'll see you tomorrow at the bank. 346 00:20:37,075 --> 00:20:40,829 -Shall I make an appointment at 1 0:30? -No, no! Tell him I'm tied up all day. 347 00:20:40,915 --> 00:20:43,793 I'm terribly sorry, but I'm afraid he's going to be tied up all day, yes. 348 00:20:43,875 --> 00:20:46,708 All rIght, then. I'll pop round to hIs house. 349 00:20:46,795 --> 00:20:49,628 -No, no! Elizabeth'd have a fit. -All right. 350 00:20:50,035 --> 00:20:54,631 Or better stIll, I'll come over tomorrow evenIng and watch hIm playIng soldIers. 351 00:20:55,195 --> 00:20:58,232 -Why don't you do that? Yes. -No, no, no, no, Wilson. 352 00:20:58,435 --> 00:21:00,426 -It's the night of the sherry party. -All right. Yes. 353 00:21:00,515 --> 00:21:04,827 Tell him I'll go round to the Red Lion tomorrow afternoon at tea time and see him. 354 00:21:04,915 --> 00:21:06,553 All right. Are you still there? 355 00:21:06,635 --> 00:21:10,150 He'll come round tomorrow, tea time, at the Red Lion and see you. 356 00:21:10,235 --> 00:21:11,304 All right? 357 00:21:11,395 --> 00:21:13,625 We must all stIck together 358 00:21:14,235 --> 00:21:17,227 All stIck together Never mInd... 359 00:21:17,315 --> 00:21:21,194 Mind the carpet there. It's a bit worn. It's the war, you see. 360 00:21:21,955 --> 00:21:25,504 I better make sure he's in a fit state. He was a bit rough after lunch. 361 00:21:25,595 --> 00:21:28,587 -What name is it? -Oh, just say it's a friend. 362 00:21:28,995 --> 00:21:30,587 A friend, I see. 363 00:21:35,675 --> 00:21:38,553 GIRL: 'Ere, 'ere, wake up! BARRY: (MUTTERING) What is it? 364 00:21:38,635 --> 00:21:41,547 Somebody to see ya. A man. Says he's a friend. 365 00:21:41,635 --> 00:21:43,830 BARRY: Tell him to go boil his head. 366 00:21:44,875 --> 00:21:48,914 GIRL: (SQUEALING) Oh! Oh! Let go! Give over. 367 00:21:52,435 --> 00:21:54,346 -He's awake. -Obviously. 368 00:21:55,435 --> 00:21:57,744 -You can go in now. -Thank you very much. 369 00:21:57,835 --> 00:22:00,554 -Shilling for you. -Oh, thank you, sir. 370 00:22:04,875 --> 00:22:08,311 Oh, it's you. I thought it might be. 371 00:22:09,875 --> 00:22:12,343 Well, Barry. Been a long time. 372 00:22:13,075 --> 00:22:14,394 1 5 years. 373 00:22:14,995 --> 00:22:17,714 By the looks of you, you haven't changed much. 374 00:22:19,635 --> 00:22:22,069 -Neither have you, Po-Face. -Don't start. 375 00:22:23,475 --> 00:22:25,113 Well, what do you want? 376 00:22:25,195 --> 00:22:28,187 -If it's money you've come for, you're out of luck. -All right. 377 00:22:28,875 --> 00:22:30,513 Keep your rag on. 378 00:22:32,475 --> 00:22:34,909 -You want a drink? -No, thank you. 379 00:22:35,675 --> 00:22:37,267 Please yourself. 380 00:22:38,915 --> 00:22:43,067 I should've thought 5:30 in the afternoon was a bit early, even for you. 381 00:22:43,155 --> 00:22:44,383 Po-Face... 382 00:22:46,715 --> 00:22:48,114 Look at you. 383 00:22:48,555 --> 00:22:51,911 Rolled umbrella, striped trousers, pot hat. 384 00:22:52,995 --> 00:22:55,429 Course, you've got on, haven't you? 385 00:22:57,315 --> 00:22:58,987 I'm the branch manager. 386 00:22:59,115 --> 00:23:00,707 (MOCKING) 387 00:23:04,035 --> 00:23:05,787 Nice for you. 388 00:23:05,875 --> 00:23:08,708 Put your hand in the till when you get a bit short, do you? 389 00:23:08,795 --> 00:23:11,946 Don't be ridiculous. Look, you better come to the point. 390 00:23:12,035 --> 00:23:15,027 I have an important affair to see to at 7:30. 391 00:23:15,955 --> 00:23:17,707 An important affair? 392 00:23:18,515 --> 00:23:20,551 -Is she blonde? -How dare you? 393 00:23:22,555 --> 00:23:25,194 It's a sherry party for senior officers and civic dignitaries. 394 00:23:25,275 --> 00:23:26,867 Don't get drunk. 395 00:23:27,915 --> 00:23:30,713 -Runs in the family. -It certainly does not. 396 00:23:30,795 --> 00:23:32,592 It does in my bloody branch. 397 00:23:34,875 --> 00:23:36,547 Hey, hey. 398 00:23:36,635 --> 00:23:40,753 I'll give you a story, I'll give you a story to tell them at the party. 399 00:23:40,835 --> 00:23:42,666 There's this chemist shop, you see, 400 00:23:42,755 --> 00:23:45,269 and he had a girl assistant behind the counter. 401 00:23:46,075 --> 00:23:50,751 -Fellow comes in, and he says... -Look, look, I have to leave here in five minutes. 402 00:23:51,435 --> 00:23:53,824 Get to the point. What have you come for? 403 00:23:55,475 --> 00:23:57,352 That's what I have come for. 404 00:23:57,915 --> 00:23:59,746 -That watch. -You're not having it. 405 00:24:00,795 --> 00:24:05,107 You know perfectly well that Dad always wanted me to have that watch for looking after him. 406 00:24:05,235 --> 00:24:09,148 Looking after him? All you did was pour whisky down his throat. 407 00:24:09,915 --> 00:24:11,871 Kept him happy, didn't I? 408 00:24:11,955 --> 00:24:15,265 More than you did, sitting on the end of his bed looking miserable. 409 00:24:15,355 --> 00:24:16,913 I told him jokes. 410 00:24:16,995 --> 00:24:18,826 Loved a joke, Dad did. 411 00:24:19,835 --> 00:24:22,986 You should've heard him laugh when I told him about you and that girl 412 00:24:23,075 --> 00:24:25,031 who used to work in the sweet factory. 413 00:24:25,115 --> 00:24:28,710 -She was the assistant manageress. -Was she hell as like. 414 00:24:30,235 --> 00:24:31,714 She was a rock puller. 415 00:24:33,515 --> 00:24:38,509 Got a big, sticky dollop of rock and slung it over a hook and pulled it. 416 00:24:39,355 --> 00:24:42,188 And slung it over the hook again and pulled it again. 417 00:24:44,515 --> 00:24:49,270 When I told him that when you tried to pull her, she told you to sling your hook, 418 00:24:50,795 --> 00:24:53,389 he choked on his bismuth and he was a goner. 419 00:24:53,475 --> 00:24:56,228 Died laughing, Dad did. 420 00:24:56,315 --> 00:25:01,025 Look, all this is beside the point. I've got the watch and I'm sticking to it. 421 00:25:01,635 --> 00:25:03,432 All right, all right. 422 00:25:05,315 --> 00:25:09,308 Talk about it later. My train doesn't go till 9:30. I'll look in on the party. 423 00:25:09,875 --> 00:25:12,992 -You'll do no such thing. -How you gonna stop me? 424 00:25:13,475 --> 00:25:15,431 I'll have you thrown out. 425 00:25:15,515 --> 00:25:17,745 That'd be a nice little scene, wouldn't it? 426 00:25:18,715 --> 00:25:23,027 You standing there, all pompous, and me yelling at the top of me voice, 427 00:25:23,195 --> 00:25:28,189 ''Po-Face has nicked me watch! Po-Face has nicked my watch!'' 428 00:25:30,475 --> 00:25:33,069 -Somebody will hear you. -They'll hear me, all right. 429 00:25:35,075 --> 00:25:38,704 Look, if I let you have it, will you give me a solemn oath 430 00:25:38,795 --> 00:25:41,150 that you'll be on that 9:30 train? 431 00:25:45,195 --> 00:25:49,950 As a commercial traveller and a gentleman, I give you my word. 432 00:25:52,955 --> 00:25:55,674 Don't pull the chain too hard, you'll flush yourself. 433 00:26:01,915 --> 00:26:03,792 Just be on that 9:30 train. 434 00:26:06,955 --> 00:26:08,946 Don't take any tin money! 435 00:26:10,155 --> 00:26:12,066 To think that you've come to this. 436 00:26:13,755 --> 00:26:15,427 (DOOR SHUTTING) 437 00:26:16,635 --> 00:26:18,432 (BLOWING A RASPBERRY) 438 00:26:21,515 --> 00:26:24,632 All right, let's have a look at your hands. Good, clean as a whistle 439 00:26:24,715 --> 00:26:26,865 Oh, like ivory, Godfrey. Marvellous. Good. 440 00:26:26,955 --> 00:26:30,027 Well done. What's all that purple stuff on your hands, Pike? 441 00:26:30,115 --> 00:26:33,710 Oh, no need to worry about that, Uncle Arthur. No. It's gobstopper, look. 442 00:26:35,275 --> 00:26:38,585 For heaven's sake, get rid of it before Captain Mainwaring sees you. 443 00:26:38,675 --> 00:26:42,065 You know, when he came back from meeting that brother of his... 444 00:26:43,355 --> 00:26:49,066 he fair bit my head off just because I asked him to tell me the time by his watch. 445 00:26:50,475 --> 00:26:53,706 You mean, we're going to have the pleasure of meeting Captain Mainwaring's brother? 446 00:26:53,795 --> 00:26:56,104 As a matter of fact, I don't think he's been invited. 447 00:26:56,195 --> 00:27:00,313 For goodness sake, Godfrey son, have you lost all the little wits you used to have? 448 00:27:00,395 --> 00:27:03,546 Mainwaring's brother is the black sheep of the family. 449 00:27:03,635 --> 00:27:05,785 He is the skeleton in the cupboard! 450 00:27:05,875 --> 00:27:11,791 If he comes to the party, Mainwaring will be exposed to the world as the fraud that he is. 451 00:27:11,995 --> 00:27:15,067 Did you hear me? Exposed to the world! 452 00:27:16,155 --> 00:27:18,544 I do hope there'll be enough cucumber sandwiches. 453 00:27:18,635 --> 00:27:23,470 Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right. Halt. 454 00:27:24,555 --> 00:27:27,911 I'm sorry I'm late, Sergeant Wilson, but I've been killing my moths. 455 00:27:27,995 --> 00:27:29,348 Oh, I see. 456 00:27:29,435 --> 00:27:32,791 -This is my announcing suit. -Is it really? Well, you look very smart, Jonesy. 457 00:27:32,875 --> 00:27:34,388 -Very good. -Where's Captain Mainwaring? 458 00:27:34,475 --> 00:27:38,024 I think he's escorting the General from the Colonel's office... Colonel's house, rather. 459 00:27:38,115 --> 00:27:40,504 We better get to our positions, I think, don't you? 460 00:27:40,595 --> 00:27:45,385 I'll go over there, shall I? The piano. And you, Jonesy, you start, will you do that? 461 00:27:45,475 --> 00:27:47,147 -Start announcing the guests. -Right. 462 00:27:47,235 --> 00:27:50,068 There we are. Come on. Lovely, this is all right. 463 00:27:50,155 --> 00:27:52,066 Cor blimey, what's going on here? Old folks' clinic? 464 00:27:52,155 --> 00:27:53,429 Just a minute. 465 00:27:53,515 --> 00:27:56,951 What you coming through the side for? You're supposed to come through the front entrance. 466 00:27:57,035 --> 00:27:59,595 And I'm supposed to announce who you are. 467 00:27:59,675 --> 00:28:04,544 -Well, we know who we are. Where's the booze? -Oh, for heaven's sake, we haven't started yet. 468 00:28:04,635 --> 00:28:08,423 -Would you care for a cucumber sandwich? -Oh, yes, very nice. Ta. 469 00:28:10,155 --> 00:28:11,986 Oh, this is lovely. Mmm! 470 00:28:14,875 --> 00:28:16,024 Very tasty. 471 00:28:17,915 --> 00:28:19,746 I say, how delicious. 472 00:28:27,475 --> 00:28:30,069 (MUFFLED) They're all right, they are! 473 00:28:31,035 --> 00:28:33,913 -Only two left. -Oh, pity to waste them. 474 00:28:35,275 --> 00:28:36,947 Go and get some more. 475 00:28:37,755 --> 00:28:39,427 HODGES: All right, aren't they? 476 00:28:41,795 --> 00:28:43,592 -Sergeant Wilson. -Yes? 477 00:28:43,675 --> 00:28:46,189 -Mainwaring's brother is coming up the drive. -What? 478 00:28:46,275 --> 00:28:48,152 He'll be exposed. I knew it. 479 00:28:48,235 --> 00:28:49,873 (CLATTERING) 480 00:28:49,955 --> 00:28:52,913 That's a damn silly place to leave a fire bucket, innit? 481 00:28:53,115 --> 00:28:55,071 (SINGING DRUNKENLY) 482 00:28:56,395 --> 00:28:58,590 Who's drawn these curtains? 483 00:29:01,075 --> 00:29:04,863 Is this... Hello, good evening, everybody. Is this the party? 484 00:29:04,955 --> 00:29:06,434 -Excuse me, sir. -Yes. 485 00:29:06,515 --> 00:29:10,110 -Could you tell me your name, please? -Mainwaring, Barry Mainwaring. 486 00:29:10,315 --> 00:29:12,465 Jokes and carnival novelty. 487 00:29:14,595 --> 00:29:17,268 M'lords, ladies and gentlemen. 488 00:29:17,435 --> 00:29:21,030 Mr Barry Mainwaring, jokes and carnival novelties. 489 00:29:21,355 --> 00:29:24,472 Hey, is this a fancy dress do? 490 00:29:26,235 --> 00:29:29,272 You must be Captain Mainwaring's brother. How very nice to meet you. 491 00:29:29,355 --> 00:29:34,304 Oh, it is a fancy dress. You've come as a vicar. Your collar is the wrong way round. 492 00:29:35,515 --> 00:29:36,868 Never mind. 493 00:29:38,155 --> 00:29:39,713 Have an exploding cigar. 494 00:29:40,635 --> 00:29:42,193 (BARRY SINGING RAUCOUSLY) 495 00:29:42,275 --> 00:29:44,914 He's all tiddly, you gotta do something about him. 496 00:29:44,995 --> 00:29:48,067 -What can I do? -Well, go and talk to him. Go on, talk to him. 497 00:29:48,155 --> 00:29:51,591 Hello. How very nice to see you. I think we have met before. 498 00:29:51,675 --> 00:29:54,394 In fact, I think we spoke to each other on the telephone. 499 00:29:54,475 --> 00:29:57,592 -Certainly. Yes, you're the one with the posh voice. -What? 500 00:29:57,675 --> 00:29:58,949 Oh, yes. 501 00:29:59,435 --> 00:30:01,995 I thought I'd given him a bit of a rough time this afternoon 502 00:30:02,075 --> 00:30:04,305 -so I've come around to apologise. -Oh, I see. 503 00:30:04,395 --> 00:30:07,671 Apologise? You don't want to apologise to Napoleon. 504 00:30:07,995 --> 00:30:10,793 -Napoleon? Is that what you call him? -Yes. 505 00:30:14,515 --> 00:30:17,427 -Very good. Do you know what I used to call him? -No. 506 00:30:17,515 --> 00:30:22,305 -Po-Face. -Po-Face? That's good, innit? Po-Face! 507 00:30:23,235 --> 00:30:27,592 -If you ask me, that just about describes him. -That'll be quite enough of that, Mr Yeatman. 508 00:30:27,675 --> 00:30:31,270 Uncle Arthur, we gotta do something about him. He's showing Mr Mainwaring up. 509 00:30:31,355 --> 00:30:35,951 More guests arriving. He'll be exposed. It'll be the ruin of him. 510 00:30:37,315 --> 00:30:40,751 Don't panic. There's more guests arriving. We got to keep calm. We got to keep calm. 511 00:30:40,835 --> 00:30:42,473 -Now, don't panic. -WILSON: All right, Jonesy. 512 00:30:42,555 --> 00:30:46,184 Perhaps he might care to go to the dressing room and wash his hands or something. 513 00:30:46,275 --> 00:30:49,073 That's a very good idea, Godfrey. Frank, take him in there. 514 00:30:49,155 --> 00:30:51,874 Jonesy, you carry on with announcing the guests, will you? 515 00:30:51,955 --> 00:30:53,024 -Right, sir. -George. 516 00:30:53,115 --> 00:30:55,151 Here, this chemist's shop... 517 00:30:56,035 --> 00:30:58,549 there's a girl assistant at the counter, you see? 518 00:30:58,635 --> 00:31:02,230 And a fellow comes into the shop and he said... 519 00:31:02,315 --> 00:31:05,671 -Excuse me, would you like to wash your hands? -What are... 520 00:31:06,035 --> 00:31:08,595 That's a pity. He was just getting to the fruity bit. 521 00:31:08,675 --> 00:31:11,394 Well, speaking for myself, I'm very glad he was stopped. 522 00:31:11,475 --> 00:31:15,150 There's a basin in the corner. I'll go and get you a towel. 523 00:31:18,315 --> 00:31:19,828 Thank you, sir. 524 00:31:21,675 --> 00:31:26,829 M'lords, ladies and gentlemen, Captain Doubleday and Major Shoesmith. 525 00:31:26,915 --> 00:31:30,146 No, no, no. Major Doubleday and Captain Shoesmith. 526 00:31:30,795 --> 00:31:33,787 M'lords, ladies and gentlemen, the other way round. 527 00:31:35,795 --> 00:31:37,194 (BANGING ON DOOR) 528 00:31:37,275 --> 00:31:40,904 BARRY: Let me out! You've locked the damn door! 529 00:31:41,715 --> 00:31:43,433 -Uncle Arthur, play something. -All right. 530 00:31:43,515 --> 00:31:46,427 -I just thought of something to keep him quiet. -All right. 531 00:31:46,515 --> 00:31:48,153 -Can you play In The Mood? -What? 532 00:31:48,235 --> 00:31:50,430 -It's popular at parties. -Is it really? 533 00:31:50,515 --> 00:31:54,793 Would you care for a cucumber sandwich? They're quite nice. My sister Dolly made them. 534 00:31:55,235 --> 00:31:57,112 I'm sorry, emergency call. 535 00:31:57,675 --> 00:32:00,109 Here, would you like one of Mr Godfrey's sandwiches? 536 00:32:00,195 --> 00:32:02,026 His sister Dolly makes them. 537 00:32:02,795 --> 00:32:05,593 -Go on, Uncle Arthur. Play up. -All right. 538 00:32:05,675 --> 00:32:09,588 Here, you can have this. As long as you promise to be as quiet as a church mouse. 539 00:32:10,355 --> 00:32:13,267 Well, here we are, sir. Private Frazer will take your cap. 540 00:32:13,355 --> 00:32:14,583 Sir. 541 00:32:15,475 --> 00:32:20,265 -Would you tell me your name, please, sir? -Major General Anastruther Stephenson. 542 00:32:20,355 --> 00:32:24,985 -Sir, could you tell me your name, please, sir? -Yes, Captain... Oh, get on with it. 543 00:32:26,515 --> 00:32:28,312 (WILSON PLAYING PIANO) 544 00:32:30,435 --> 00:32:35,793 M'lords, ladies and gentlemen. Major General Anas...Stephens 545 00:32:36,315 --> 00:32:40,593 and Captain Mainwaring Esquire, and some other people. 546 00:32:45,035 --> 00:32:46,673 Hello, Napoleon. 547 00:32:46,755 --> 00:32:50,225 -Good evening. -I've just been talking to your brother. 548 00:32:52,315 --> 00:32:55,227 -You what? -I thought that'd wipe that smile off your face. 549 00:32:55,315 --> 00:32:56,748 Your po-face. 550 00:32:57,635 --> 00:33:00,308 Excuse me. Mr Mainwaring, you've got nothing to worry about. 551 00:33:00,395 --> 00:33:01,953 I've locked him in that side office there 552 00:33:02,035 --> 00:33:04,071 and he's promised to be as quiet as a church mouse. 553 00:33:04,155 --> 00:33:06,225 -What sort of a state was he in? -Drunk. 554 00:33:06,915 --> 00:33:09,031 There's very little chance of him keeping that promise. 555 00:33:09,115 --> 00:33:11,345 No, he will, he will, 'cause I bribed him. 556 00:33:12,875 --> 00:33:15,184 Gave him a whole bottle of sherry to himself. 557 00:33:17,555 --> 00:33:19,068 You stupid boy. 558 00:33:20,075 --> 00:33:23,624 -Well, what else was I supposed to do? -Don't use that tone of voice to me. 559 00:33:23,715 --> 00:33:26,468 Frazer, Jones, get him out of there. 560 00:33:26,635 --> 00:33:30,230 But all these people will see him and you'll be exposed. 561 00:33:30,995 --> 00:33:32,951 -Well, shove him through the window. -Yes. 562 00:33:33,035 --> 00:33:36,266 You rely on us, sir. We'll shove him through the window, sir. 563 00:33:37,275 --> 00:33:40,073 -Would you care for a cucumber sandwich, sir? -Go away. 564 00:33:40,875 --> 00:33:45,949 Wilsie, play the piano while we push Captain Mainwaring's brother through the window. 565 00:33:46,035 --> 00:33:48,833 -What do you suggest? -Make it loud. 566 00:33:49,035 --> 00:33:51,105 All right, you go on ahead. I've had a better idea. 567 00:33:51,195 --> 00:33:52,628 FRAZER: Right. 568 00:33:56,915 --> 00:33:58,064 (HUMMING) 569 00:33:59,475 --> 00:34:00,590 (EXCLAIMS) 570 00:34:00,675 --> 00:34:03,906 -We'll never get him through there. -We might be able to manage. 571 00:34:03,995 --> 00:34:07,032 Excuse me, sir. Do you mind if we push you through the window? 572 00:34:07,915 --> 00:34:09,951 What's going on? Is the landlady after me? 573 00:34:12,515 --> 00:34:13,834 Heave. 574 00:34:13,915 --> 00:34:15,268 (GRUNTING) 575 00:34:17,235 --> 00:34:20,750 Tell him to try sideways. Turn sideways. 576 00:34:21,235 --> 00:34:23,624 -Up we go. That's it. Your way. -Right. 577 00:34:23,715 --> 00:34:26,434 Okay, straighten it. That's it. Straight through. 578 00:34:26,515 --> 00:34:29,473 I used to time some infantry fire, via the... 579 00:34:30,635 --> 00:34:31,954 Excuse us. 580 00:34:33,275 --> 00:34:35,630 -Just getting rid of the empties. -Good, good. 581 00:34:37,835 --> 00:34:39,188 (GRUNTING) 582 00:34:41,715 --> 00:34:43,228 (GROANING) 583 00:34:44,195 --> 00:34:47,710 No good trying him sideways, he's as broad as he's long. 584 00:34:48,115 --> 00:34:52,313 Hey, I say, is this some sort of parlour game? Like sardine? 585 00:34:53,475 --> 00:34:55,864 Here, here, let's put him in this. 586 00:34:55,955 --> 00:34:57,627 That's a good idea, Pikey. 587 00:34:57,715 --> 00:35:01,628 Sir, we've finished with the window now. Try getting in the cupboard. 588 00:35:01,715 --> 00:35:02,989 Ah! 589 00:35:03,075 --> 00:35:04,906 Oh, it is sardines. 590 00:35:05,155 --> 00:35:06,668 Oh, boy. 591 00:35:06,755 --> 00:35:10,350 -There. -Hey, I'm not hiding with him. He's an undertaker. 592 00:35:12,715 --> 00:35:14,865 Just a minute. Just a minute. Just a minute. 593 00:35:14,955 --> 00:35:17,310 You're not going to saw me in half, are you? 594 00:35:17,995 --> 00:35:22,034 You lock it, go on. We'll bolt it, make sure he can't get out. 595 00:35:22,115 --> 00:35:24,754 Now, if we all lift at the same time, you see... 596 00:35:28,995 --> 00:35:30,633 Who's the next one in? 597 00:35:30,715 --> 00:35:32,671 Hey, here's a hammer. 598 00:35:34,395 --> 00:35:36,033 If you know the formula, you can... 599 00:35:36,115 --> 00:35:37,468 (HAMMERING) 600 00:35:37,555 --> 00:35:40,672 ...you can work out the distance between you and the chap who's shooting at you 601 00:35:40,755 --> 00:35:43,349 by the length of time between the crack and the thump, you see. 602 00:35:43,435 --> 00:35:45,505 What's that noise? 603 00:35:45,595 --> 00:35:48,314 It's my sergeant. He doesn't often play the piano. 604 00:35:48,395 --> 00:35:51,387 -That'll be enough, Wilson, thank you. -No, no. I mean, the hammering. 605 00:35:51,475 --> 00:35:54,672 Oh, hammering? I hadn't noticed any hammering. Excuse me, sir. 606 00:35:55,275 --> 00:35:57,311 Go and find out what's happening in there, will you? 607 00:35:57,395 --> 00:35:59,226 All right, sir. All right. 608 00:36:00,035 --> 00:36:01,627 Well, that's it. 609 00:36:01,715 --> 00:36:02,909 (BARRY SINGING) 610 00:36:02,995 --> 00:36:05,429 -Get the man in. -Come on in, come on. 611 00:36:06,155 --> 00:36:09,465 My turn again, is it? Soon comes round, doesn't it? 612 00:36:11,035 --> 00:36:13,993 -Come on, Wilson, give us a bit of a hand. -All right, Jonesy. Yes. 613 00:36:14,075 --> 00:36:16,430 -Now when I say lift, we'll all lift. -All right. 614 00:36:16,515 --> 00:36:18,073 Ready, lift! 615 00:36:20,435 --> 00:36:22,665 Pikey, he's not much of a weight, is he? 616 00:36:22,755 --> 00:36:25,553 No, you see, it's much easier when you all pull together. 617 00:36:26,675 --> 00:36:29,553 -Come on. -Hey! Look. 618 00:36:31,595 --> 00:36:34,393 Doesn't look after his boots like Captain Mainwaring, does he? 619 00:36:34,475 --> 00:36:36,306 Come on, put it down. 620 00:36:40,635 --> 00:36:42,512 What floor is this, then? 621 00:36:46,075 --> 00:36:49,624 Captain Mainwaring, I hope your men are not doing any damage in that dressing room? 622 00:36:49,715 --> 00:36:52,024 His Reverence has heard some very strange noises. 623 00:36:52,115 --> 00:36:55,710 No, nothing to worry about at all, I can assure you. Just a little domestic matter. 624 00:36:55,795 --> 00:36:59,344 I think the Captain's putting a very brave face on it, don't you, Vicar? 625 00:36:59,435 --> 00:37:01,903 Excuse me. I'm discussing tactics with the General. 626 00:37:01,995 --> 00:37:06,227 It's nice to know the Captain's got a brave face as well as another sort of face, innit? 627 00:37:06,315 --> 00:37:08,624 Oh, well done. Well done, chaps. 628 00:37:09,235 --> 00:37:11,590 My chaps are just doing a bit of clearing up. 629 00:37:11,675 --> 00:37:16,430 -Good show, getting rid of the empty ones, eh? -This one's a wee bit full, sir. 630 00:37:17,915 --> 00:37:19,109 -Wilson. -Yes, sir? 631 00:37:19,195 --> 00:37:20,548 -Everything all right? -Yes, sir. 632 00:37:20,635 --> 00:37:23,627 -Could I have a word with you in private? -Yes. Excuse us, sir. 633 00:37:23,715 --> 00:37:25,034 Of course. 634 00:37:30,035 --> 00:37:31,707 -What's happening? -He passed out, sir. 635 00:37:31,795 --> 00:37:33,592 But Jones is gonna take him in his van to the station. 636 00:37:33,675 --> 00:37:38,226 -Ah, well done. -Matter of fact, I got this watch back for you, sir. 637 00:37:38,595 --> 00:37:40,313 I know how much you treasured it. 638 00:37:40,875 --> 00:37:43,992 Thank you very much. I appreciate that, Wilson. 639 00:37:44,875 --> 00:37:48,151 Look, on second thoughts, he hasn't got very much. 640 00:37:48,915 --> 00:37:52,988 See him safely onto the train, will you, Wilson? And give that back to him. 641 00:37:53,995 --> 00:37:56,384 -And wish him well. -All right, sir. All right. 642 00:37:56,475 --> 00:37:59,672 I, um, I hope he appreciates it. 643 00:38:01,195 --> 00:38:03,789 There's only one left, sir. Would you care to have it? 644 00:38:03,875 --> 00:38:07,390 No, thank you, Godfrey. The General wants to talk to me. 645 00:38:15,475 --> 00:38:16,794 Delicious. 646 00:38:17,555 --> 00:38:20,865 My sister has a wonderful way with cucumber sandwiches. 647 00:38:20,915 --> 00:38:25,465 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0